I’m a creative consultant, whatever that means.

If you want to do a talk show on network television, you’re probably going to wind up having a desk and a band, wearing a suit, and having a sidekick. Audiences want to feel comfortable.

People’s lives are boring.

Real emotion is good – or doing a good job of faking real emotion.

There’s an air of mystery around the Masons, but the reality is that they’re mostly a bunch of veterans getting drunk in a lodge that they’ve built to look like a temple. It’s just a bunch of guys trying to get away from their wives.

I’m a terrible golfer.

I go to Costco every weekend. It’s my favorite part of the week.

Sometimes I’ll feel like an interview was fine or whatever, and people go, ‘Oh, boy, I saw you with so and so last night; that must have been tough.’ And then I’m like, ‘I guess it was bad. I need to look back at that.’

There’s no debate about the greenhouse effect, just like there’s no debate about gravity. If someone throws a piano off the roof, I don’t care what Sarah Palin tells you, get out of the way because it’s coming down on your head.

It never was my plan to get into television.

The idea that you would not only exercise but that you would enjoy it is very difficult for me to understand. I just hate it.

On Monday and Thursday, I eat fewer than 500 calories a day; then I eat like a pig for the other five days. You ‘surprise‘ the body: keep it guessing. I got the idea from a BBC documentary about this Indian man who seemed about 138 years old and said his secret was severe calorie restriction.

No matter who it is, I hate to see people losing their jobs. I really do.

Almost half our representatives in Washington apparently know more about science than our scientists. Or they pretend to, because big corporations give them a lot of money to make sure they can keep doing the destructive things that they do.

When you know someone you can make a little more fun of them without them getting offended.

If I have one criticism of the other late-night shows, it’s that they’re almost entirely scripted.

When I was on the radio, I used to be able to go a lot farther than I can now. You don’t really remember until you’re on the radio again, sometimes in your old radio station and sitting with the guys you used to work with and you go, ‘Oh yeah, I can’t say these things anymore. I’m handcuffed.’

The truth is, we have this idea that late night is about creativity and being cool, but that’s not our job. Our job is to get as many people watching the commercials in between our show. That’s the reality of it.

You don’t need to exorcise your personal demons onstage.

No matter what Sarah Palin and these geniuses she surrounds herself with try to tell you, climate change is not a liberal versus conservative thing, but the people who profit from ignoring it want you to believe it is.

I started doing a half-hour Sunday night talk show on college radio station KUNV. That excited me more than anything I’d ever done. I went through the Yellow Pages to find people who seemed interesting. I’d goof on these people, but they were so excited to be on the radio that they didn’t even notice.

I don’t really need to be dirty to be funny.

I know there are, like, 12 rules for late night: a desk, a band. Will people take me seriously if I don’t wear a tie?

That’s my main flaw: I always think authority figures or my boss is going to think something I do is funny. And usually they don’t.

I don’t eat two days a week. And people are fascinated by it, but it works. If you cut two days of food out of your life you will lose weight.

Our politicians debate this, but our scientists don’t. A huge majority of climate scientists say climate change is happening. They say we’re causing it and we need to do something about it before it has a terrible effect on all of us.

I did not have any delusions of grandeur as a kid.

My definition of cursing is probably different from what other people’s definitions are.

I describe myself as a human being.

You can say Pizza Hut is terrible pizza, but they also sell more pizzas than anybody else.

I definitely feel pressure to keep slim. I don’t want to be the guy who lost weight and gained it all back. But it’s hard. Sometimes I’ll gorge and gain nine pounds in a weekend somehow, and I get bummed about it.

I have had a lot of experience in broadcasting.

I can’t be as flip as I once was.

My aunt and uncle are clearly civilians.

It’s funny how all of this has worked out – I wasn’t popular in high school, but now every drunken guy in the United States wants to be my pal. They all want to buy me a shot, and pretty soon I’m throwing up.

I have like fifteen televisions in my house.

I still love comic books. When you have a kid, that’s an excuse to keep reading all the comic books.

At the Emmys, you’ve got a bunch of people who are used to being on TV on TV. You don’t have that at the Oscars. At the Oscars, you have people who are used to having 40 takes.

The Republican National Convention is a great place to hear people talk about politics and values and all that sort of thing. But there’s one thing brings me back year after year, and that’s white people dancing. The RNC is the world‘s premier Caucasian amateur dance festival.

Almost every week, someone’s mad at me.

I’m always looking to the next thing. There are always hurdles, whether it’s the White House dinner or hosting charity events or that night’s show: Until they’re over, I worry, then I move right on to the next thing. It’s hard for me to enjoy the moment. I’m just thinking about not failing.

I like a real beach. A crowded one, you know? People, towels, umbrellas. I hate those little private strips of sand you see up in Malibu.

It is kind of funny that the people who don’t think Hillary Clinton is fit and healthy enough to be president are so worried that Hillary Clinton is fit and healthy enough to be president.

I never imagined being on television.

I try hard not to repeat myself and not to do material other people are doing. We transcribe every other late-night show to make sure there’s no similarity.