I’ve put on a lot of weight… I only weighed six and a half pounds when I was born.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. ‘Somewhere I haven‘t been in a long time!’ she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

I don’t hate my enemies. After all, I made ’em.

Television: The device that brings into your living room characters you would never allow in your living room.

She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off

I’m nuts and I know it. But so long as I make ’em laugh, they ain’t going to lock me up.

A fellow told me he was going to hang-glider school. He said, ‘I’ve been going for three months. ‘ I said, ‘How many successful jumps do you need to make before you graduate?’ He said, ‘All of them. ‘

I know my limit. I just keep passing out before I reach it.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always

There are three signs of old age: loss of memory … I forget the other two.

I don’t need glasses, but I’ve just reached the age where curiosity is greater than vanity.

Our principles are the springs of our actions. Our actions, the springs of our happiness or misery. Too much care, therefore, cannot be taken in forming our principles.

Exercise? I get it on the golf course. When I see my friends collapse, I run for the paramedics.

If by chance some day you’re not feeling well and you should remember some silly thing I’ve said or done and it brings back a smile to your face or a chuckle to your heart, then my purpose as your clown has been fulfilled.

Old age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said “There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.

Heard about the young deaf boy who used sign language-One day he told his mother a dirty joke and she washed his hands out with soap

Recipe for a happy marriage: My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

People think I am dead because they haven’t seen me around for awhile. I’m not dead, I’m very much alive, as you can see. Although, there are two things I do before I get up every morning. I look around and if I don’t smell flowers or see candles flickering I go ahead and get up.